Let’s talk about reality for awhile. It’s like this… there is what you think what’s happening, what’s really happening… and what She proclaims is actually happening. The problem is that her reality is the trump card – and as you and I both know, it’s never pretty when she slams down that card.
Reality: You are a kid. You are going to make lots of mistakes. This is your right. You are trying to figure things out and you are not perfect.
Her Reality: You are supposed to be perfect and know exactly what she expects of you. If you fail to do what she wants, you are purposefully challenging her authority. You are to do as you are told and God help you if you try to have a single independent thought or action. Everything you do or say or think is a reflection of her and subject to her judgment.
Your Reality: If you just keep trying, one day you may perfect the art of reading her mind. You are trying like mad to figure out how you can walk that fine line where she will let you be your own person and not beat you or disavow your existence for your insolent desire to be independent. You will learn to lie as a default because her reality is unbearable to you. You will have to eventually make the hardest choice of your life: Play her mind games and allow yourself to continuously be victimized by her emotional blackmail… or walk away and start to live your own life without her… setting an 0-2 record for mothers who don’t abandon you.
It sucks. It sucks so fucking bad that you will feel like you are going insane sometimes. You will grow up holding this massive anxiety around conflict with people. The idea that people can disagree and still have a functional relationship will be lost to you for many decades. Because the most important relationship in your young life failed to show you how it could be any other way. You will struggle with this one and it will push people away who you care about. You won’t understand why… you will think you are trying to just understand them… but in truth, you can’t handle an understanding that is left with an unresolved disagreement. It feels like a knife in your gut… because as a child, this was a sure sign of a beating to come. You’re all wound up inside… knots of fear that manifest as anger because your body is in defense mode and long ago you decided it was better to go down swinging than to be a passive victim.
Eventually, with the help of a very stubborn friend who refuses to be driven away by you and yet won’t submit to your relentless demand for agreement, you will start to figure it out. You’ll work on repairing that relationship from the pain of frustration and exhaustion. And, with a ton of work, you will allow this novel way of relating to people to spread to your other relationships.
This reality shit will make sense some day. And then you can let go of another chain that her ghost has bound to your soul.