I’m going through a time right now that’s rather painful. Not all the time… but at least daily I struggle with the deep sadness from a recent change in a close relationship.
There are times when it’s so powerful, I have to stop for a moment and just let it wash over me. I have to let it be and experience it or it will transfer into my old standby emotions of anger and regret. These are the feelings that take over when I leave pain and sadness unprocessed. It took me a long time to recognize this… but now I am aware and can take measures to redirect my focus back to the original source of the feeling.
I don’t like it. In fact, it sucks. But it’s beyond my control and I have to let this take its course. I just wish it didn’t hurt (aka “suck”) so much. Letting pain do its thing and “sitting with it” takes a ton of faith that eventually, the pain will ease. Some days are worse than others and it can make anyone wonder when the hell it will ever end. Or at least suck less.
So this is me dealing with this. Tossing and turning at night as my brain subconsciously tries to find a way to not have to deal with this (aka “fix it”). Handling inopportune occasions when the feeling is so strong I can’t speak and tears threaten to fall. Experiencing moments of respite where beauty rises into my vision… only to have it diminish into the grey of sadness. Trying really hard not to get annoyed with how long this will take to process (aka “haunt me”).
Yeah, this sucks.
But the alternative is worse. The other branch of the road well travelled in my history was to deny the pain. Convert it into anger and blame. And if that wears off, then shame and regret can take over and leave their taint on how I see myself.
You see, with time, pain that is given attention and space to exist will diminish (although it may not seem like that at the time). However, with time, unprocessed pain can pile up… distort your perspective of things that seem unrelated… overflow into uncontrolled outbursts (aka “temper tantrum”)… and, if left unaddressed long enough, separate from the memory of the experience which inspired the pain and leave an orphan feeling that still resides but is so much harder to deal with because it lacks context.
I am so done with that.
So here I am. Hurting. Crying. Dealing. Living through this. And eventually, healing from it.
If I can tell you it’s worth it from this place I’m in right now, then you should believe it. Because it is.
And it also sucks.